Dear Diary

You know that most of the time I don’t like to wax lyrical. It makes me feel like I’m trying to live inside one of my mother’s poems. But I do love beautiful things. And feeling beautiful things. That actually might be the most important thing. After all, we can see things and not really understand their full meaning if we don’t dive into how they make us feel.

And lately I’ve been feeling awful. I mean, maybe it’s a tale as old as time and there’s nothing new under the sun. (You know how much I like to crossover my phrases). But when boy and girl get together, I want them to get together forever. Especially if that girl is me. I want it to be because true love is involved, because God’s drawn them together in a beautiful synchronicity of lives. It’s more wonderful than any romance story ever could be, because it’s real.

But then again, reality is sometimes the worst thing possible, especially for a romance. ‘I’m not sure how I go on living’ is something I wrote last time. And, upon further reflection, I want to clarify that I mean ‘what should I do?’ Not ‘I want to die.’ A pretty important distinction. I definitely have a lot to live for, even though the thought of applying for college makes me want to never get out of bed again.

No, I will live and thrive and I won’t let R. destroy my life like he broke my heart. It’s a really awful thing to discover that the person you trusted and gave everything to (and you know I mean everything!) doesn’t actually care about you, maybe doesn’t care about anyone. Well, isn’t capable of caring about anyone. Not right now anyway. If he had given me even a tiny bit of assurance he could work on whatever was going on inside, I would have never let go. I would have helped him through it. It killed me to let him go.

The sad part is that I still wish him well. Maybe God would think that was the happy part. My heart breaks even more than he already broke it when I think about the things he’s doing to himself and what he’s put his mother through. It’s pure selfishness, and I just think one day he’s going to wake up and, not only realize he’s lost a wonderful girl, but that he doesn’t have anyone and no one will be able to fix him. Well, God can. If only R. will let him. But it doesn’t involve me anymore. I got out.

I don’t know why I keep rehashing this over and over again. It’s done, it’s over. I’ve cried and grieved. Maybe it will always hurt. But I don’t want to focus on that anymore. And I don’t have to. Because sometimes things can be wonderful. Because today I don’t feel in pain or sad at all. Today, I just feel . . . squirmy.

Imagine if you will, an innocent bonfire, a perfectly normal activity, something you’ve done a million times before with the same people you’ve always done it with. It’s the same beach, the same view, the same games. It’s the perfect scenario to make you completely unprepared to meet the cute, new boy who showed up, God’s unique gift for you.

Oh, that totally happened to me tonight! I don’t even know if I can describe it or how excited it makes me feel. We went to Playa del Rey. I mean, where else, right? And I’m hanging with my friends around the fire and sparks literally fly to make me notice E.

His family just moved here and his dad is the new pastor. He’ll be principal at the school too, and E.’s mom is going to teach there with Mom. So obviously he’s going to be involved. This wasn’t a drive-by appearance. I’ll have all the time in the world to get to know him. Of course, I want to know everything right now!

We actually took a long walk on the beach so I could show him the jetty. I guess I really don’t believe in being subtle! But something happened to me tonight. It was like there was a magnet attached to him and I just surrendered to the attraction. Is that love at first sight? My head tells me it’s not. I really don’t even know if he likes me back or if he enjoyed our talk as much as I did. I mean, I’m pretty sure he didn’t hate me. He didn’t run away or anything. And we talked so long they had to come and find us when everyone was leaving.

Apologies, God, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for church on Sunday. I just pray Mom and Dad will invite them to dinner. What am I saying? Like they’ve ever not invited a new family to dinner! Oh, I’m nervous now. What will I wear?

There’s so much more I could say and bet that I will say about this. But part of me feels like some silent contemplation. It’s a bit weird to go from heartbreak to heart beating wildly so soon. But I don’t know how else to put it except that something about him feels like we . . . already belong to each other.

Yes, I definitely need to think about this. A lot. To the lemon tree!

An excerpt from our main gal Kay’s diary. I hope you enjoy this extra and the insight into the beginning of the story.

I’m about halfway through the first draft. On track to finish a complete draft by the end of March.

Current word count: 61,477