Statements of a Middle School Self

I confess this month has been quite busy, so I went down to the wire on a blog post. I wasn’t sure what to choose as I don’t have any book updates and the little stories I have aren’t ready to be shared yet. I have also been suffering with vision problems that keep me from writing or being able to work on anything that isn’t a deadline these days.

I was saved by sorting through some old papers. I came across a statement of self written by my middle-school-aged self. I have decided to reproduce it here with some commentary on whether I still think this of myself. It’s a bit of a growth-mirror, if you will. I have edited slightly since my younger self didn’t always have the best grasp on sentence structure.

Someone apparently suggested I do this when I was younger. I am grateful to this unnamed person.

I am Juli Sellers. These are some of the things that God has given me that profess who I am. (Name change alert! Juli Hernandez, now and forever. I’m also not sure God intended all of these things for me. But there is no changing the past.)

I am a writer. I write stupid stories and poems and anything else that happens to come to mind. I am good in English. I do well in reading, writing, and spelling. If you need to know how to spell a word, please come to me. I like to write in my journal. Most of the time it’s not really a journal, but a record of my life. There are lots of times, though, when I just sit down and write out my entire soul.

Still true. In fact, I’m often amazed at how much writing was a part of my younger self’s time and thought process. I had convinced myself I only liked writing as a hobby, nothing more. But it wouldn’t be denied. People still come to me for spelling. I like to think my stories are no longer stupid. And my journal is still both a record of my life and an outpouring of my soul.

I am a worshiper. I worship God when we are singing and sometimes when we’re not. I would like to see everyone doing this. I don’t like to be distracted when I’m worshiping. It’s too easy to do. It helps me to worship to picture a meeting place with God. In the middle of the room is His throne. Don’t laugh, but I imagine it looks like Zeus’ in Hercules. In one corner is the secret and quiet place where we have our heart-to-hearts. There is the praising area, where I praise Him. There is the potter’s wheel where He reshapes my life. There is the place where I cry out my woes and pray for people and He comforts me. The whole place is filled with His glory and it looks like a bunch of glitter that hangs in the air.

Wow, I’d forgotten about the meeting place. Not that I don’t still picture myself with God during worship. Often, we are dancing together. But I’m grateful this is still fairly true. I love to worship and I love to explore all the different ways of connecting with God.

I am unsure of myself. I have a big problem with rejection. When someone criticizes me in the least manner, I cringe, and no longer feel like I can be myself. It is only with people I feel like I know really well that I can be myself. Most of my life, I have been unknowingly rejected by people whom I trusted. I have a tendency not to trust people until I get to know them and even then, I hold back a little. This has cost me some friendships, by people who want my whole heart. But it’s not them, it’s me.

Alas, this is still true a lot of the time. It is very easy to feel rejected and I don’t like criticism. I hate failing or feeling like people are disappointed in me. But I will say, I’m a lot better at being vulnerable, at trusting, and at giving myself. I can be myself in most situations. I have been able to put some of the worst of this to bed, by the grace of God.

I am a dancer. I love to move, especially to music. When I hear a good beat, I want to dance. I am very self-conscious though so people rarely see this side of me. When other people do it, I long to, but, somehow, I just can’t. I do wild dances in my room sometimes. You wouldn’t believe it was the same person. I believe most people are like that, but I think (not know) that I am worse than others. Sometimes I forget myself and start doing things that I normally wouldn’t do. People are amazed. Then I get embarrassed and start slamming myself in my mind. Why did I do that? I probably feel like Charlie Brown. I did so many stupid things.

Definitely still true. I love to dance. But also still true that I probably don’t always feel secure enough to show this to people. Rooms are made to dance wildly in, yes? People are often amazed when I do dance as I long to. Weddings are easier though. I love dancing at weddings. Charlie Brown and I have less in common these days, though I feel a lot of empathy for him.

I am a flirt. I love to tease guys and have fun with them. This is one of the things I feel really stupid about, but, somehow, I just keep doing it. I have resolved not to like guys anymore. So far, I have kept my promise, but, alas, I have never kept my promise not to flirt.

Oh ouch. This one hurts. I really did not want to type that. I am so grateful to announce this is not true at all anymore. I think it was true because I had a hard time maintaining female friendships and it was just so much easier to engage with guys at that age. It felt less challenging. Thank goodness younger me broke that promise to not like guys anymore or I wouldn’t be married today!

I am a class clown. This may differ with statements above, but once I settle into a place, I feel the need to impress people. I don’t want them to shun me. If they make no move to invite me to join them, I get nervous, so I start being a clown. If someone else challenges me to do something, I will. This could involve licking rubber cement, putting oil pastels on my lips, and other things. My sister is quite careful about letting me. Once a guy didn’t want to smash cupcakes in his ears, so I told him to do it to me. She wouldn’t let him.

Not really true anymore. I’m less likely to pull stunts to make people like me or act foolish to get a laugh. I still love getting a laugh, but not at the expense of my dignity and not because I’m desperate for attention. It is still hard for me to get acclimated to new places and people though. And thanks, sis, for looking out for me.

I love all things that have to do with laughter. That is another reason I love being a clown. I want to belong to the universally weird group. I want to have my own special peculiarity that sets me apart from others. People will be so awed at my way of doing things, that they will want to be my friend. I love jesters and clowns. I want to be the bad guy or the crotchety old lady in plays. They have the funniest lines.

Laughter is the best. I love humor and comedy and I still want to play the villains and be unique. Just not as the only way I know to get friends.

I am an actor. I am always playing a different part everywhere I go. In public, I am the meek, model person with impeccable manners. At home, I am quite sarcastic and biting, with no feelings of warmth for anyone. At school I am either very quiet, the best student, or the class clown. I’m always doing different dialogues in front of my mirror like evil queens or something like that. I love accents

Hmm, well, I guess I still have masks like most people. I behave slightly differently in different places. Mostly because the places call for slightly different behavior. But I think I’m still me everywhere I go. I’ve learned to be more confident and not hide from people. But I still love talking to myself and accents. And apologies to my family for apparently being terrible to them when I was younger!

I am sentimental. I like to do things in patterns and have everything look nice. Then I contradict that with my wardrobe. My sister says I have OCD. I don’t. My dad was going to throw away his old work shirt, so I took it. I did the same with my mother’s old nightgowns. I have a memory wall where I put anything that reminds me of any place I went. I throw a flower on my cat’s grave every day.

Definitely sentimental. Oh, so very much so. I have a nostalgic soft spot a mile wide. I don’t like change. I don’t dramatize my sensibilities as much, but I most definitely feel the feels. I also am very much into routine and patterns and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some OCD in the mix somewhere. My fashion senses have grown, but I am still hopelessly clueless about my wardrobe.

I am impulsive. But only in one sense. I am always doing impulsive things, but I have to work myself up to them, so it isn’t very impulsive. I have to tell myself to ask someone a question several times before I actually do.

I honestly don’t think I understood what impulsivity meant. But oftentimes I do have to work up the courage to ask a hard question or I rehearse what I’m going to say because I want to get it perfect.

I am a good friend. I am always there for you, no matter what. I do make mistakes, but I try to amend for them. I listen when you have problems. I will comfort you when you’re down and I will laugh with you and I will be happy with your successes. I will not gossip or tell anyone anything that you’ve said to me in confidence. When I am wronged, I will forgive. When I am wrong, I will ask forgiveness. I can’t promise you my whole heart, but I can give you a lot of it. I won’t ever pretend to be your friend when I really do not like you at all. All my life, I’ve never really had good friends, just lots of acquaintances. I want a good friend, a special friend.

I guess I could let my friends decide. But I think this is true and probably more so than that time. I have worked hard on developing good friendships over the last few years and it’s an important value and trait to me. I want to be these things still. And I’m grateful to say I have good friends I cherish and love and know they feel the same way about me. Forgiveness is still very important to me. I truly felt as a child like I had no friends and that while people liked me, no one would ever really pick me or choose me. I’m happy that’s not true.

My goodness, that was a bit embarrassing. Maybe don’t try this yourself unless you want to unlock a whole slew of childhood memories, feel a little ashamed at the way you used to act, but also grateful that things aren’t still that way entirely, while amused at your own dramatics and instincts. Be gentle with your younger selves and don’t forget that it’s our past that shapes where we are today.